unnamed for now or forever

 three years marks the last time we were together TOGETHER

Before your 30th birthday and before I decided I would not chase

that if indeed you were planning to stay, you would be excited to share all the details of your big day-

that your suit fit so well,

and the crown on your head was held up pretty high in the sky

but you did not,

you did not send a single picture of this day

and as if I had the strength to manage

I decided to leave you there - and be okay

so I could somewhat mend my scars while dealing with an explosion of stars within me

alone...

I prayed, fasted, used herbs and concoctions I had no freaking clue about

fought demons in real life and through other sight

and almost lost my life - so many times I wanted to reach out

but decided you hated me because for you I had changed so much

I was no longer Muhle 

I lost all the vigour of the man you stared directly into 

whose insides you tasted and wanted more of,

now I was everything in the dark and of the dark

and you decided you were the angel that walked in the light...

I PRAYED, FASTED UNTIL I REALISED THAT 

drinking and passing out could help

it did not, for at night time I saw old men and women

known and unknown,

calling out and sometimes reaching out for me

and sometimes I would be flying or falling

and others walking under the sea or drowning

and you were not there...

YOU, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WERE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND

and I stopped waiting or caring, actually I was so preoccupied with healing

that I chose that or I would die

and most probably even at my funeral you choose not to arrive

so I decided to live without you there

and made decisions between life and death

I was dying - no longer able to go to work or work

unable to get out of bed or open my eyes, afraid of I would see before it happens or know exactly why as it happened

heat and cold in a person simultaneously

tears and rage wrapped so eloquently...

and you were not there

but in dreams and visions

so I guess you left but a portion of you decided to stay

were you forced? why was this happening?

I could smell you at times, and also hear your voice, and also see your face, 

and also your silhouette. 

and also and also and also

you tormented me and yet differently

I hated you until all I could excavate from our ruins was the love that continued to live somewhere between you and I 

somewhere between there and here

out there and in here

wtf? why?

Finneas to Eilish

 You...

Are the Finneas to my Eilish 

And unlike before I no longer wonder around without eye-lids

You

made the sun shine again and lit the candle on my prayer stand

Now, I understand - 

Sent from above you came in down with a heavenly force-field

protected and with courage

you decided to appear to me without any pretense

You made it all okay, 

day time, night time

with you around there were always signs

and rhythms and beats and beads...

Dreading the day I use to be

Waiting for the one to sing a loving and gentle Hymn

To me...

And like Eilish, 

There is no story on the canvas without a Finneas, 

an angel 

With wings

A halo

and hello

For when I waited to be seen,

He found me...

And never again left. 

Untitled

 Untitled

It is true,

"we should all be feminists,"

Get to know what it means to be for your girl child,

In the same way you would for your boy child

That children should be treated, taught, the same things

Does my being a feminist mean I can't speak of the shadow of women?

The hell not,

It means I can and should

For whats done on the right should be done on the left

Ive always known powerful women,

For God's sake I was brought up by a matriarch

My genisis circle was all women

Femininity an energy, a life source that runs deeply within me

But the shadow

Women as devils

Horns given to men, and a tail that hides many wicked tales

Adorned under halos.

Shadow

Woman. 

.

 When I miss ME...

I go through pictures of YOU...

Mother

 3am:

Is it she?

Hey! Wakeup!

Is it she?

What?

Is it she you were looking for when you found me?

Babe, what? What is going on, it's freaking 3am?

At least you were asleep. Shes been haunting me.

Who?

She!She, damn it.

Just go to sleep.

Is it she?

...

Lesson

 ...And that's the thing about doors... 

Opening and closing...

And others revolving...

<3 

Arrived/Home

 

We arrive, the birthed

And within the carers arms we find it

For the longest this is home, suckling unashamed

Feeding the beloved

Unknowing of all we agreed to

When we were formed and even before,

A genius decided that we'd be the one

We, the yet to arrive, already having been so

Face challenges and turmoil -

A pain unimaginable

We become one with the margins, too different to fold

And then this contract we have sign-ed

Even before we could talk

Finds us at different times and

We are alerted to the call

And when the ringing rises

And the feet start burning

We cannot help but dance

When the dreams become one with dawning

And the memories become honoured

We become one with those

Those who lived

Those who struggled and decided for you to carry the baton

And when this happens

You can choose to run, away or towards the call

However it'll always be there within you

For its always been there

When you are called, answer

It is the wisdom of ages turning you towards your throne

A king, a queen

A chosen, the dreams

Answer.