three years marks the last time we were together TOGETHER
Before your 30th birthday and before I decided I would not chase
that if indeed you were planning to stay, you would be excited to share all the details of your big day-
that your suit fit so well,
and the crown on your head was held up pretty high in the sky
but you did not,
you did not send a single picture of this day
and as if I had the strength to manage
I decided to leave you there - and be okay
so I could somewhat mend my scars while dealing with an explosion of stars within me
alone...
I prayed, fasted, used herbs and concoctions I had no freaking clue about
fought demons in real life and through other sight
and almost lost my life - so many times I wanted to reach out
but decided you hated me because for you I had changed so much
I was no longer Muhle
I lost all the vigour of the man you stared directly into
whose insides you tasted and wanted more of,
now I was everything in the dark and of the dark
and you decided you were the angel that walked in the light...
I PRAYED, FASTED UNTIL I REALISED THAT
drinking and passing out could help
it did not, for at night time I saw old men and women
known and unknown,
calling out and sometimes reaching out for me
and sometimes I would be flying or falling
and others walking under the sea or drowning
and you were not there...
YOU, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WERE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND
and I stopped waiting or caring, actually I was so preoccupied with healing
that I chose that or I would die
and most probably even at my funeral you choose not to arrive
so I decided to live without you there
and made decisions between life and death
I was dying - no longer able to go to work or work
unable to get out of bed or open my eyes, afraid of I would see before it happens or know exactly why as it happened
heat and cold in a person simultaneously
tears and rage wrapped so eloquently...
and you were not there
but in dreams and visions
so I guess you left but a portion of you decided to stay
were you forced? why was this happening?
I could smell you at times, and also hear your voice, and also see your face,
and also your silhouette.
and also and also and also
you tormented me and yet differently
I hated you until all I could excavate from our ruins was the love that continued to live somewhere between you and I
somewhere between there and here
out there and in here
wtf? why?
