Sunday, 3 August 2025

unnamed for now or forever

 three years marks the last time we were together TOGETHER

Before your 30th birthday and before I decided I would not chase

that if indeed you were planning to stay, you would be excited to share all the details of your big day-

that your suit fit so well,

and the crown on your head was held up pretty high in the sky

but you did not,

you did not send a single picture of this day

and as if I had the strength to manage

I decided to leave you there - and be okay

so I could somewhat mend my scars while dealing with an explosion of stars within me

alone...

I prayed, fasted, used herbs and concoctions I had no freaking clue about

fought demons in real life and through other sight

and almost lost my life - so many times I wanted to reach out

but decided you hated me because for you I had changed so much

I was no longer Muhle 

I lost all the vigour of the man you stared directly into 

whose insides you tasted and wanted more of,

now I was everything in the dark and of the dark

and you decided you were the angel that walked in the light...

I PRAYED, FASTED UNTIL I REALISED THAT 

drinking and passing out could help

it did not, for at night time I saw old men and women

known and unknown,

calling out and sometimes reaching out for me

and sometimes I would be flying or falling

and others walking under the sea or drowning

and you were not there...

YOU, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WERE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND

and I stopped waiting or caring, actually I was so preoccupied with healing

that I chose that or I would die

and most probably even at my funeral you choose not to arrive

so I decided to live without you there

and made decisions between life and death

I was dying - no longer able to go to work or work

unable to get out of bed or open my eyes, afraid of I would see before it happens or know exactly why as it happened

heat and cold in a person simultaneously

tears and rage wrapped so eloquently...

and you were not there

but in dreams and visions

so I guess you left but a portion of you decided to stay

were you forced? why was this happening?

I could smell you at times, and also hear your voice, and also see your face, 

and also your silhouette. 

and also and also and also

you tormented me and yet differently

I hated you until all I could excavate from our ruins was the love that continued to live somewhere between you and I 

somewhere between there and here

out there and in here

wtf? why?