Honestly...

It all made sense when i saw him. He was what you were after all along, and because he and i look similar you concluded that our contents would be too. I do not know him personally kodwa from what i see he seems to be deeply in love with you. He seems like he agrees with what you say and where you want to go; where love lives according to your rules and definitions, according to when it stops and begins. He seems to smile a lot and take selfies with you in the background. You comment on his pictures and i’m pretty certain you make fantastic, mind-blowing love to him. That you tell him you love him and also sing for him.

What i see in him is a little bit of myself when i was with you, minus what you referred to as "temperament"; i too was deeply in love with you, i was open to agreeing to some of the things you said and places mentioned for us to go to. I tried living in a love according to your definitions and rules, where it could begin and end but that spelled trouble for me, i couldn’t for long, i was looking for a partner and not a liar or half-baked lover  . It makes sense now that when you said you loved me you were referring to him and the other whatever-number boys in Johannesburg and perhaps elsewhere that you had contact with that were similar to he and i. I just happened to be open to love and you were there to pretend you were to. i just happened then to be the first one in line; second to she whose name shall remain unknown. We grappled her out of the way and i was ready to forget that she exists, that she is a threat, and when that journey was about to start my intuition about he who shares a bed with you presently and others began inviting itself. I was hurt and to a degree still am. You managed to love in many places and all at once; selling dreams and manifesting them but that was never enough. I wanted you and all of you and In innumerable attempts to get the latter i began to lose myself.

In thought and within various places like when taking a dump, in a taxi back to Varsitiy, lying next to you post-coitus or when you would say something stupid in your car like: “Pretoria is so full of beautiful boys, look at that one”... or even during conversation with loved ones i was slowly aware of the action required to regain myself, kodwa i stayed and let you look into my eyes, kiss my lips, breathe into me and even peek into the depths of my being that i do not just share with a tom, DICK, or harry. You made me feel like any other Tom, Dick or Harry and now you are doing it to him. Honestly there are two things i hope happen: 1. that with him you learned from me and are honest in what you are saying to him and are not going to leave him dismantled , 2. that like i he sees through you (given you are the same beautiful jerk) and leaves when he is still intact, emotionally. Emotions are such a beautiful disaster, they are the reason i am seated here at work on the 31st, a day before the New Year, and writing this. They fuel my creativity and are the reason i left when i realised that i was a trophy... all shiny and easy to show off to yours.... and they are also the reason i am able to smile with each new day and regain myself from the “i” you created and i stupidly believed i was (the angry, snappy, ready to date someone else even if they have a significant other, moody and selfish me). Slow progression but it all makes sense now.
honestly.

Noah's Garden

I will build you a garden,

A place engulfed by smiles, hugs, and the quiet

Roses abundant; gifts for you

the sunlight; your father and I

I love you so, even though I have not heard you cry

Haven’t touched your skin or stared into your eyes.

You are my all,

In need of protection, teaching, and loving

And yet, 

I’m the one being taught by you that spirit, gentleness, and kindness are the way of life

Tonight I planted a seed and tomorrow its fruit will be yours to reap,so you grow

And forever be a part of spirit

That way you will know to turn outside-in when the rest of the world is in turmoil

I will try my best and hope that it’ll be enough

I’ll build you a garden,

A place engulfed by smiles, hugs, and maybe not so much the quiet

I want you to scream, run, and laugh as loudly as you can

Be vocal and share your feelings.

Grass, roses, the moonlight, your father and I

We haven’t heard you cry nor looked into your eyes.

He’s still somewhere out there, your other dad;

In need of protection, teaching, and loving

And yet I know that you are also his everything.

God, grant this to he and I

A chance for your love to shine through our home

A garden for Noah who’s still up there with you,

But lives in our hearts already because you do

Perhaps

perhaps life's not too short

perhaps it is death that is too quick to arrive

perhaps depending on how one lives life,

at the beginning of death new life regained.

perhaps.

Façade

Yes! I am…

Brilliant, gorgeous, courageous and speak my mind

My mind alters, at times even incorrectly, all that my senses sense

And through which in rivers, information flows to reach the sea called my mind,

Sometimes pure, most times polluted by a history

The sea grows and waves are formed, rippling to areas not interested or party to all that’s around
That is how it is formed.
De-formed.
When all pouting and picture taking ceases,
And all that is left is a reflection of untrue reason,
Seasons gone moulding my beliefs of self, lying to save the poor reflection of I
FAÇADE!
Leaves from autumn, summer days gone but sunlight from then still alive
Winter within winter, and spring that sprang but one’s still springing in
All together to convince others that I am…
Brilliant, gorgeous, courageous and speak my mind
Yet continue running with the façade that all is true but not

Untitled

when I miss me,

I go through pictures of you.

Untitled

what is the point of having residence in your heart,

when in your house and in-between your daily dealings it is he you fuck?

The other side of Blue

I could see it,

The other side

As I lay there struggling but not trying anymore

I let the arms of the ocean hold me, instead of fighting and wanting and aiming

For my own way

I was in the deep blue, and as it appeared the other side seemed better

“One more time”,

Then I tried

And I woke-up on the other side

The other side of blue

Darker than what I saw and imagined,

Deeper

And from that point, looking back

“That blue was much better a hue”