Accepting mea culpa ungiven

Accepting mea culpa ungiven...

I suppose it my fault to walk into this with expectation...
The expectation for truth, honesty, loyalty and transparency
The expectation for respect, value, love and participation
Expectation for the differentiation between privacy and secrecy
Expectation from the universe to spare me another heart-break, when11 months was taken to reach heart-mend

I suppose it my fault to fall into this with expectation...
The expectation for permanence, relief and a meeting between twin-flames
Expectation for Godliness with a fallen Angel,
Now on earth's surface, his feet on uneven planes, hugging
Expectation to overlook your flaws and only brighten darkness
Expectation to expect you to love me the way I was willing to love you
The expectation to love you into loving me

I suppose it my fault,
 to hold out my palms expecting love's weightlessness together with romance now forgotten;
a marrying of the two in today's world now only raging

I suppose it my fault to lie in this with expectation...
The expectation of innocence child-like;
a staring into my eyes through night and till morning- when the wings of birds and the sun's rays chime break
I suppose it my fault to love with a flame within me burning,
And the expectation for you not to suffer 3rd degree burns but instead learning

I accept, now accept mea culpa from you
For the expectations so loudly ungiven

Kings

Like kings we could've ascended a throne
Brought kindness and love to a land where both were unknown
But like two kings, ego became our song
We became enemies, daggers towards each other thrown

From kisses shared at days end,
To a jester in front of your eyes I was turned
"Ha ha ha" your laughter echoed
As I took my last sip from the chalice of our loving
We walked out of the castle that housed us,
Into another land, barren

Here I am rebuilding, my beloved
Without you here in my presence
I shall send words in the form of song into the sky and hope they reach you
I could send my army in your direction to get you,
But truth is I'd rather the universe kept you
In that way I can fall asleep shivering again tonight
But with peace beating loudly in my heart as I visit you

This castle-new is nothing but walls and candles in the dark
I live in it but without you I'm without a beat in my heart
"Guards you're dismissed," I shout
"I needn't protection from thee, I'm already fading. Let the king whose name brings peace know that I've surrendered to the kind eternal. Life without him is tumultuous."

Like kings we could've ascended a throne,
We couldn't,
and now one of us into a crypt lies without a name to own

DUST

You never wanted us captured

Not in the eyes of others, and we even struggled in the eye of the camera

Now I know why…

Our images captured are a lie, for when I stare at them now I can see the anxiety fisted in your eyes

The distance between us is close enough to be of friends… and not lovers

My presence next to you that of a visiting spirit, only known to your heart

Now I know why

Perhaps you were afraid of a leak, that somehow the façade you’d so well-orchestrated on your side would leak

And that it would lead to my leave… of absence in your life

Imagine this, I did leave and now I keep staring at these pictures

It is amazing how I no longer breathe there

I cannot see myself or us

Only you… dust

Love & Loveless-ness

"...Unfortunately it is a double edged sword. And also, one cannot live trying to protect themselves from love because by so doing, one is stopping themselves from being alive. What I have decided is to take a break from loving others in the intimate/sexual sense, but I continue to access and harness love from within..."

A friend, to a friend on love... and the fortunate state of experiencing loveless-ness from the one you continue to love.

Omne TRIAD perfectum?

With the aim of achieving excellence in anything I do, I at most times end up directly in the arms of a mild and fleeting insanity. Anxiety, depression and an overwhelming obsession with the status quo within my body aka hypochondriasis, the famous triad combinedly referred to as neurosis, reek havoc. I can recall the first time I experienced an anxiety attack, and some part of me thought: “wow, nigg, you are a legend. You have just had your first brush with what was explained to you and the rest of the class in Psych 101.” Little did I know what that meant. From then on, it has been an insane internal roller-coaster ride of over -obsessing with perfectionism, as well as the inevitable after-math - cleaning up the shattered pieces of this perfect self when life rears its head and whips me to show me that I am still its bitch, and that perfect does not exist. Despite the latter being portrayed with a sense of dark-yet-light humour, some of my circuitry continues to believe that perfect does exist and is attainable. So I experienced the attack when I was twenty, and I’ve had quite some time (8 years to be exact) to listen to my body and sometimes successfully recognise that my mind is the reason I am and was experiencing half of the anger and zap-sign attitude to life. When this happened, the loss of breath and a shift in reality, I visited a counsellor at University. I attended two of these sessions and decided to ‘fuck it’ as I was going to sort things out myself. Nigger was already telling me about and using all the techniques I was already reading up on and intrigued by. The episodes ended as I realised that it was due to stress during that time of my life. Because they were mild and fleeting (as per second line of this entry) it was not obvious to others when I would have them. And I sort of began managing them through breathing and investigating the root source so that I could get rid of them ASAP!!! But I have also realised that everytime I experience any form of sadness or fear, anxiety together with his dumb ass friends always and without fail visit, and thus the cycle begins. It is always something happening within or without me, which excites a certain pathway in my brain; that causes my heart to race and breathing to be shallow, I become aware of this then tend to worry about it. Then I worry about worrying, then the perpetual motion which eventually leads to me psycho-somatising. Tension headaches, migraines, nausea, etc. have all been visitors uninvited in my life. It used to get so bad that I would just lock myself up in my room and cry over what I was experiencing internally. One of my best friends (always bubbly and outgoing, extroverted and the-life-of-the-party) Lebo would always get mad at me for agreeing to going out then changing my mind the minute we were supposed to step out. The duration in-between us planning and agreeing to go out, and actually having to go out would be so intense as I would now think about all the people I’d have to meet, walk past, greet and sometimes look at. This would lead to so much tension and a change in my body’s balance that I would instantaneously get stomach cramps and a mother-fucker of a headache. Then he would come ready as ever to pick me up and I would just say: “you go. I don’t feel so good anymore.” And because he is an ass-hole (term of endearment) he would go and have a blast… I don’t blame him. This triad has had such a big role in my life and I had always been, I suppose, scared to actually believe in all that was happening, as I would appraise this as me welcoming the uninvited ugly-faced guest with his dark and powerful friends. I always would say that I would go to another therapist, but then this would make me feel so much like a loser… I am a singer, and I write poetry, I used to love dancing (when I still could) but this internal landscape has prevented me from being able to share all that I am capable of, gifted in in fact. This just shatters me… TBC

My take on my demons

Having performance phobia is like having Angels that have broken free from your insides,
 but now surround you as demons...
Everywhere, everytime you have to climb onto a stage and render your art

Nutshell

Here's to the nutshell... Thank you and FUCK YOU!

Grow up with me

A celebration of a beautiful man with an even brighter he(art)... He has, with great precision captured in words how I would like my partner and I to relate.

Grow up with me, let’s run in fields and through the dark together, fall off swings and burn special things,And both play outside in bad weather,Let’s eat badly,Let’s watch adults drink wine and laugh at their idiocy,Let’s sit in the back of the car making eye contact with strangers driving past,Making them uncomfortable,Not caring, not swearing, don’t look,Let’s both reclaim our superpowers, The ones we all have and lose with our milk teeth,The ability not to fear social awkwardness,The panic when locked in the cellar, still sure there’s something down there,And while picking through pillows each feather,Let’s both stay away from the edge of the bed,Forcing us closer together,Let’s sit in public, with ice-cream all over both our faces,Sticking our tongues out at passers-by,Let’s cry, let’s swim, let’s everything,Let’s not find it funny, lest someone falls over,Classical music is boring,Poetry baffles us both,There’s nothing that’s said is what’s meant,Plays are long, tiresome, sullen and filled With hours that could be spent rolling down hills and grazing our knees on cement,Let’s hear stories and both lose our innocence,Learn about parents and forgiveness,Death and morality,Kindness and heart,Thus losing both of our innocent hearts,But at least we wont do it apart,Grow up with me.

- Keaton Henson