I am an individual who is full of life (at least on most days I am). I look out into the dark and marvel at the creation of the sky and the stars. I dream of one day living next to the coast, where I will take long walks, barefoot, and continue to wander at the magnificence of the ocean and its magnitude, as well as its calm nature and presence. I look at the flowers and how they just know what, or should I rather say who they are and their purpose. They live, breathe, and represent the light that is God. They just are.
I, on the other hand do not simply live. I used to when I was little, however with life and its up’s and down’s I have learned to master how to mask living. I am a master of masking what should just be. This came as I always heard from people that one needs to behave a certain way, one needs to protect their heart after it has been broken, one does not always have to show how they feel. Basically I learned the social rules. When I did not hear these rules, I observed them, and now I am someone who lives life according to those rules. There are days where I just live. Most of the times those days are tapped into when I am with my friends aka drunk or high, but sometimes a wave of energy (natural energy) overwhelms me and my spirit shines through. When this happens, I laugh as loud as I can, sing as loud as I can, dance, shout, scream, I feel.
The title of this note is; I’d love to fall in love again, but… The notion of love has changed drastically for me, I continue to believe in it (gagolo), but I have learned that it is an entity to be guarded with all my might and vigour; that no one out there is deserving of it. Now this is a transformation I never dreamt of, it is a crippling of who I really am and all because of the shit I have observed. All the times I have heard people proclaim their love for each other, only for them to “fall” out of it, kill each other over it, or try to hurt each other in the name of it. Basically I have a warped idea of what it means to love another person, especially regarding the intimate meaning of it.
Tonight I took a walk around campus and decided to get a fag, and as I was “deep in thought”, and my feelings were incognito, I stood in silence, alone, with nothing but nothingness to feel and said a little prayer. I prayed for healing and a sense of appreciation for love, just like I continue to have for the sky and ocean, and how these entities make me feel. I could not help but feel giggly, hopeful, filled with … love. So maybe all this is transitory, perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and feel ready, but within the existence of tonight I continue to be armoured, a knight in the night ready to fight off both cupid and whomever he might have pierced, hoping he will change my mind.
love lives within me, however I do not think I understand it. And until that point I will actively try to re-connect to Spirit so that my eyes are reopened and heart capable of trusting. for now, tonight and the seconds that make it, I remain true to the title: I'd love to fall in love again, but... I'm not too certain.
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