Where two men belong... together

For the longest time I wanted to write something about the homosexual relationship (again). I had all these ideas from observations made regarding the lifestyle and orientation, but did not give myself enough time to actually sit and put pen to paper or rather fingers to keyboard and let these ideas come to life. The driving force for the piece came post-war and 1-sided-carnage during a very difficult break-up I experienced in 2014. I was angry at myself (again) and sad (again), and went through a bout of depression (Yes, again); I could no longer focus at school, sleep at night or eat. This became a real bitch to my quality of life for months as I began psycho-somatising (but that is a tale better left for another time). This relationship that I held on to with the hope of... had ended and because of the lies told about a future for us both, I initially had a difficult time letting go of the images of that silly future and memories collected with the one who breathed nothing but lies into my ears. And so from this, I initially wanted to title the piece; where two men don't belong... together, but soon realised that I was letting someone untrue change me by pulling me from my own truth; love. So then, that realisation led to me having a stronger than ever conviction in this positive force (love) and consequently, the belief that two men actually can belong somewhere... together. Hence the title. 

My friends (sophisticated) and I (not so sophisticated, contrary to what nana-bear believes) always have conversations about relationships and why there seems to always be an expiry date attached to them. During wine and coffee sessions, over the phone or during the mere walk while re-forming bonds, our conversations tend to always meander to the issue of love or love-less-ness within our generation, and because a majority of my friends are homos (not Naledi) this issue becomes centred around the homosexual relationship. After much introspection (post-war or while taking a dump), observing others, and reading books on love, I concluded that a crisis that occurs during the period of identity formation during the teenage years is the reason for this failure. I mean let’s really think about it; the child who expresses him differently to the gender norm of society or who looks girly for a boy becomes the sponge for many words i.e. Stjuzane (sp) and countless others. He slowly internalises these words and the expressions, as well as tones attached to them, he becomes engrossed in finding out what they mean and eventually believes what he has always been called and told about people who behave like him. What began as a different way of expression of oneself, pre-adolescence, then mostly leads to curiosity within the teenage years to others of the same sex; the inquisitiveness that erupts leads to the idea that “Hey, perhaps if I do look, sound, and behave like a girl or nothing like a boy, as others have mentioned over the years, maybe it is inevitable that I should end up with another dude." Leading to a shift in focus; the focus on other boys. I am in no way saying that this is the truth for everyone, however, in retrospect I see that this is how it played out for me. Growing up I was always asked if I was a girl, adults smiled and went for the cheek in praise of something I had no control over, children in school mocked and uttered shit and then some...A combination between nature and nurture resulted in who I am today, of-course, But the crisis during the teenage years; the guilt, shame, marginalisation; fear and  self hatred a queer individual experiences (either regarding who they are attracted to or behave like) is what I believe to be the fundamental reason gay men are the way they are, particularly to each other. Aha! Moment.

When almost everyone around you treats you like an oddity, it becomes very difficult to remain “sane” or follow the normal trajectory into adulthood. As gay men and women, and others in the community of those EXTRA-ordinary (sorry straight-folk) we inevitably mature before time (whatever that means). We probe into sexuality earlier than the dumb straight boy in class, we are introduced to the dark earlier and somewhat remain there longer than the heteros, and lastly we work on our identities mostly in seclusion before we are comfortable enough to wear them proudly and loudly in public. We reach this milestone; the I know who I be milestone but then carry innumerable shattered pieces of self daily. For most, even though comfortable and confident about whom we are, the love-less-ness experienced during the teen years remains... conundrum much? Yes, Ma’am. We carry these ideas around, memories too, and then because it is nature to yearn for love, we, like anyone else start searching for love. We find that guy (inserts hearts) and it is just pure mania. All the shattered pieces we waltz around with inside and put makeup on manifest. We treat our supposed lovers like shit. We project every single issue onto them. Understandably so, right? I mean I have just explained why I believe we are the way we are. It is all too complex, even for me. But this crisis doesn’t only lead to intolerance of the self and others alike, it leads to over-compensation and short term hedonism. The gay (lol) will always overdo. We overachieve, over-aspire for, over-feel, over-cry... nton nton, yol get the point. We over-(insert what you will) and also have a struggle with desire. While others over-entertain their desires, I under-entertain mine (another one best kept for another day). For now I think I should leave it here. But my point with this entry is the discovery of what I think happens, agree, don’t agree, that is cool.

TBC