It all made sense when i saw him. He was what you were after all along, and because he and i look similar you concluded that our contents would be too. I do not know him personally kodwa from what i see he seems to be deeply in love with you. He seems like he agrees with what you say and where you want to go; where love lives according to your rules and definitions, according to when it stops and begins. He seems to smile a lot and take selfies with you in the background. You comment on his pictures and i’m pretty certain you make fantastic, mind-blowing love to him. That you tell him you love him and also sing for him.
What i see in him is a little bit of myself when i was with you, minus what you referred to as "temperament"; i too was deeply in love with you, i was open to agreeing to some of the things you said and places mentioned for us to go to. I tried living in a love according to your definitions and rules, where it could begin and end but that spelled trouble for me, i couldn’t for long, i was looking for a partner and not a liar or half-baked lover . It makes sense now that when you said you loved me you were referring to him and the other whatever-number boys in Johannesburg and perhaps elsewhere that you had contact with that were similar to he and i. I just happened to be open to love and you were there to pretend you were to. i just happened then to be the first one in line; second to she whose name shall remain unknown. We grappled her out of the way and i was ready to forget that she exists, that she is a threat, and when that journey was about to start my intuition about he who shares a bed with you presently and others began inviting itself. I was hurt and to a degree still am. You managed to love in many places and all at once; selling dreams and manifesting them but that was never enough. I wanted you and all of you and In innumerable attempts to get the latter i began to lose myself.
In thought and within various places like when taking a dump, in a taxi back to Varsitiy, lying next to you post-coitus or when you would say something stupid in your car like: “Pretoria is so full of beautiful boys, look at that one”... or even during conversation with loved ones i was slowly aware of the action required to regain myself, kodwa i stayed and let you look into my eyes, kiss my lips, breathe into me and even peek into the depths of my being that i do not just share with a tom, DICK, or harry. You made me feel like any other Tom, Dick or Harry and now you are doing it to him. Honestly there are two things i hope happen: 1. that with him you learned from me and are honest in what you are saying to him and are not going to leave him dismantled , 2. that like i he sees through you (given you are the same beautiful jerk) and leaves when he is still intact, emotionally. Emotions are such a beautiful disaster, they are the reason i am seated here at work on the 31st, a day before the New Year, and writing this. They fuel my creativity and are the reason i left when i realised that i was a trophy... all shiny and easy to show off to yours.... and they are also the reason i am able to smile with each new day and regain myself from the “i” you created and i stupidly believed i was (the angry, snappy, ready to date someone else even if they have a significant other, moody and selfish me). Slow progression but it all makes sense now.
honestly.
