For the longest time I
wanted to write something about the homosexual relationship (again). I had all
these ideas from observations made regarding the lifestyle and orientation, but
did not give myself enough time to actually sit and put pen to paper or rather
fingers to keyboard and let these ideas come to life. The driving force for the
piece came post-war and 1-sided-carnage during a very difficult break-up I
experienced in 2014. I was angry at myself (again) and sad (again), and went
through a bout of depression (Yes, again); I could no longer focus at school,
sleep at night or eat. This became a real bitch to my quality of life for
months as I began psycho-somatising (but that is a tale better left for another
time). This relationship that I held on to with the hope of... had ended and
because of the lies told about a future for us both, I initially had a
difficult time letting go of the images of that silly future and memories
collected with the one who breathed nothing but lies into my ears. And so from
this, I initially wanted to title the piece; where two men don't belong... together,
but soon realised that I was letting someone untrue change me by pulling me
from my own truth; love. So then, that realisation led to me having a stronger
than ever conviction in this positive force (love) and consequently, the belief
that two men actually can belong somewhere... together. Hence the title.
My friends
(sophisticated) and I (not so sophisticated, contrary to what nana-bear
believes) always have conversations about relationships and why there seems to
always be an expiry date attached to them. During wine and coffee sessions,
over the phone or during the mere walk while re-forming bonds, our conversations
tend to always meander to the issue of love or love-less-ness within our
generation, and because a majority of my friends are homos (not Naledi) this
issue becomes centred around the homosexual relationship. After much
introspection (post-war or while taking a dump), observing others, and reading
books on love, I concluded that a crisis that occurs during the period of
identity formation during the teenage years is the reason for this failure. I mean
let’s really think about it; the child who expresses him differently to
the gender norm of society or who looks girly for a boy becomes the sponge for
many words i.e. Stjuzane (sp) and countless
others. He slowly internalises these words and the expressions, as well as
tones attached to them, he becomes engrossed in finding out what they mean and
eventually believes what he has always been called and told about people who
behave like him. What began as a different way of expression of oneself, pre-adolescence,
then mostly leads to curiosity within the teenage years to others of the same
sex; the inquisitiveness that erupts leads to the idea that “Hey, perhaps if I
do look, sound, and behave like a girl or nothing like a boy, as others have mentioned over the
years, maybe it is inevitable that I should end up with another dude." Leading to
a shift in focus; the focus on other boys. I am in no way saying that this is
the truth for everyone, however, in retrospect I see that this is how it played
out for me. Growing up I was always asked if I was a girl, adults smiled and
went for the cheek in praise of something I had no control over, children in school
mocked and uttered shit and then some...A combination between nature and nurture
resulted in who I am today, of-course, But the crisis during the teenage years;
the guilt, shame, marginalisation; fear and self hatred a queer individual experiences
(either regarding who they are attracted to or behave like) is what I believe
to be the fundamental reason gay men are the way they are, particularly to each
other. Aha! Moment.
When almost everyone
around you treats you like an oddity, it becomes very difficult to remain “sane”
or follow the normal trajectory into adulthood. As gay men and women, and
others in the community of those EXTRA-ordinary (sorry straight-folk) we
inevitably mature before time (whatever that means). We probe into sexuality
earlier than the dumb straight boy in class, we are introduced to the dark
earlier and somewhat remain there longer than the heteros, and lastly we work
on our identities mostly in seclusion before we are comfortable enough to wear
them proudly and loudly in public. We reach this milestone; the I know who I be milestone but then
carry innumerable shattered pieces of self daily. For most, even though comfortable
and confident about whom we are, the love-less-ness experienced during the teen
years remains... conundrum much? Yes, Ma’am. We carry these ideas around,
memories too, and then because it is nature to yearn for love, we, like anyone
else start searching for love. We find that guy (inserts hearts) and it is just
pure mania. All the shattered pieces we waltz around with inside and put makeup
on manifest. We treat our supposed lovers like shit. We project every single
issue onto them. Understandably so, right? I mean I have just explained why I
believe we are the way we are. It is all too complex, even for me. But this
crisis doesn’t only lead to intolerance of the self and others alike, it leads
to over-compensation and short term hedonism. The gay (lol) will always overdo.
We overachieve, over-aspire for, over-feel, over-cry... nton nton, yol get the
point. We over-(insert what you will) and also have a struggle with desire. While
others over-entertain their desires, I under-entertain mine (another one best
kept for another day). For now I think I should leave it here. But my point
with this entry is the discovery of what I think happens, agree, don’t agree,
that is cool.
TBC
