With the aim of achieving
excellence in anything I do, I at most times end up directly in the arms of a
mild and fleeting insanity. Anxiety, depression and an overwhelming obsession
with the status quo within my body aka hypochondriasis, the famous triad
combinedly referred to as neurosis, reek havoc. I can recall the first time I experienced
an anxiety attack, and some part of me thought: “wow, nigg, you are a legend. You
have just had your first brush with what was explained to you and the rest of
the class in Psych 101.” Little did I know what that meant. From then on, it has
been an insane internal roller-coaster ride of over -obsessing with
perfectionism, as well as the inevitable after-math - cleaning up the shattered
pieces of this perfect self when life rears its head and whips me to show me
that I am still its bitch, and that perfect does not exist. Despite the latter
being portrayed with a sense of dark-yet-light humour, some of my circuitry
continues to believe that perfect does exist and is attainable. So I experienced
the attack when I was twenty, and I’ve had quite some time (8 years to be
exact) to listen to my body and sometimes successfully recognise that my mind is
the reason I am and was experiencing half of the anger and zap-sign attitude to
life. When this happened, the loss of breath and a shift in reality, I visited
a counsellor at University. I attended two of these sessions and decided to ‘fuck
it’ as I was going to sort things out myself. Nigger was already telling me about
and using all the techniques I was already reading up on and intrigued by. The episodes
ended as I realised that it was due to stress during that time of my life. Because
they were mild and fleeting (as per second line of this entry) it was not
obvious to others when I would have them. And I sort of began managing them
through breathing and investigating the root source so that I could get rid of
them ASAP!!! But I have also realised that everytime I experience any form of
sadness or fear, anxiety together with his dumb ass friends always and without
fail visit, and thus the cycle begins. It is always something happening within
or without me, which excites a certain pathway in my brain; that causes my heart
to race and breathing to be shallow, I become aware of this then tend to worry
about it. Then I worry about worrying, then the perpetual motion which
eventually leads to me psycho-somatising. Tension headaches, migraines, nausea,
etc. have all been visitors uninvited in my life. It used to get so bad that I would
just lock myself up in my room and cry over what I was experiencing internally.
One of my best friends (always bubbly and outgoing, extroverted and
the-life-of-the-party) Lebo would always get mad at me for agreeing to going
out then changing my mind the minute we were supposed to step out. The duration
in-between us planning and agreeing to go out, and actually having to go out
would be so intense as I would now think about all the people I’d have to meet,
walk past, greet and sometimes look at. This would lead to so much tension and
a change in my body’s balance that I would instantaneously get stomach cramps
and a mother-fucker of a headache. Then he would come ready as ever to pick me up
and I would just say: “you go. I don’t feel so good anymore.” And because he is
an ass-hole (term of endearment) he would go and have a blast… I don’t blame
him. This triad has had such a big role in my life and I had always been, I suppose,
scared to actually believe in all that was happening, as I would appraise this
as me welcoming the uninvited ugly-faced guest with his dark and powerful
friends. I always would say that I would go to another therapist, but then this
would make me feel so much like a loser… I am a singer, and I write poetry, I used
to love dancing (when I still could) but this internal landscape has prevented
me from being able to share all that I am capable of, gifted in in fact. This just
shatters me… TBC
My take on my demons
Having performance phobia is like having Angels that have broken free from your insides,
but now surround you as demons...
Everywhere, everytime you have to climb onto a stage and render your art
but now surround you as demons...
Everywhere, everytime you have to climb onto a stage and render your art
